Frère Jack brings you the entries for this year’s Eurovision song contest. Starting with the worst and finishing with the, er, “best” …
Okay, so this has nothing to do with London life or French culture. But somebody has to take Eurovision seriously in London. If we took Eurovision seriously in England then we’d send someone like her:
But what are we sending instead?
So. Eurovision is hosted by 2012 winner Loreen’s stomping ground Sweden this year, taking place in the city of Malmo. There will be 26 songs on the night. That means some of the songs below will be KNOCKED OUT in the semi-finals. They take place a few nights before in Sweden, so all 40 artists have to fly out to Malmo, and then some of them are knocked out and just get to watch the finals from their seat in the audience!
What kind of a pansy needs to follow a football team when you have Eurovision? Eurovision is fierce! And it gets very messy…
Luckily for us (France and the United Kingdom), we automatically go through to the final, because we basically pay for the entire contest along with Italy, Germany, Spain and Sweden. This seems to piss off the other countries, but HELLO, if you pay for a party – you get to go to the party. Any time Greece feels like paying for Eurovision, just drop us an email.
It might take a minute or two to load all of the YouTube embeds in this piece, so be patient! And you can tweet me any thoughts along the way @jackcullenuk. But here we go, let’s get this party started. Only six weeks until the big night, let’s start familiarising ourselves with the songs…
Mizerja by Klapa s Mora
Sorry to make you the bottom of the list Croatia, but come on – this entry is like a How-Not-To guide for a gay wedding. It almost definitely won’t be going through to the final, so you lads may as well go ahead and make a restaurant reservation somewhere in Malmo for May 18th.
Why six men need to sing this song is beyond me. The first guy to sing is admittedly quite hot. But yeah, this is like really bad background music in a really bad shopping centre. And even under those circumstances I’d ask the store management to turn it down.
Eg a Lif by Eypo Ingi Gunnlaugson
Sometimes they do well in Eurovision. 2013 is not one of those times. From the country that brought us Bjork we here have one of the most boring songs I’ve ever heard. Let me know if you make it past 30 seconds.
Pred Da Se Razdeni by Esma & Lozano
Wait a second. Macedonia are submitting a pop star who looks like this:
Joined on stage by this:
And supported by two backing singers who look like they’ve been plucked out of a cash machine queue:
Even by Eurovision standards – good luck Macedonia!
Something by Andrius Pojavis
Poor Andrius, I reckon he’s probably a nice guy. But he sounds like a drunkard slurring his way through a Lightning Seeds karaoke session. It’s worth watching the video though for the audience pan (around about 2:05) and you see all the Lithuanians sitting in their chairs clapping in time. Twee.
Here We Go by PeR
Wow – a boy band without any good looking members, that’s a novel gimmick! Even The Wanted have at least one and a half boys who are fuckable. The top comment is from a Eurovision expert: “Oh my God. Latvia not in the final. Awful. Sorry” – Agreed.
Alcohol Is Free – Koza Mostra & Agathon Lakovidis
When I saw the title I thought we might be getting an amazingly bad interpretation of Club Tropicana. But no. This song is so Greek it hurts. The video has some relatively sexy men with beards dancing in kilts, but honestly, I’m selling it up here. Why couldn’t Greece rustle up Sakis Rouvas again? I love a bit of Greek Sakis with my feta ballad:
It’s My Life by Cesar
Brilliant stuff! A falsetto singing man in a suit. I kind of like Cesar. But this gimmick has been done too many times in Eurovision before. Sorry to spring Bruce Willis on you without warning, but Romania’s entry reminds me of that alien opera singer in the Fifth Element:
It might be Cesar’s life, but it certainly ain’t his Eurovision year.
You And Me by Takasa
Apart from the first ten seconds which sound like the Peaches classic Boys Wanna Be Her, this song is rubbish. I would hang around and make jokes, but we’ve got a lot of songs to get through, and “rubbish” said it all really.
And now I’m fantasising over the idea of Peaches performing at Eurovision!
An Me Thimase – Despina Olympiou
Nothing to write home about. Have a fun holiday in Sweden Despina.
Lonely Planet by Dorians
On a par with the third best Christian rock band in a due-to-close Wiltshire baptist church. Did Armenia not get the memo: this is a song contest. In the past Armenia have had some great Eurovision entries, like the epic Inga and Anush in 2009. Again though, it’s worth watching this video if only for the adorable Armenian TV audience. Clap not.
O Mie by Aliona Moon
God she’s annoying.
Rak Bishvilo by Moran Mazor
The title means “Only For Him”, I think she’s bluffing don’t you? I totally love Israel’s face this year though:
Shame about the song. It’s like they’ve taken the slow bits from Like A Prayer, binned the good stuff, and then rolling pinned it all out into something even slower. I’d be surprised if Israel made it into the final this year. Israel have taken themselves way too seriously these last few song contests. It’s like they’ve forgotten the glory days of Dana International.
Only Love Survives by Ryan Dolan
It’s an OK effort and at least Ireland have submitted a dance song, but it’s just a bit forgettable. Called ‘Only Love Survives‘, something tells me this song won’t. I think even Jedward were better representatives of Ireland. At least Jedward look like pop stars. Whereas this. This. Hmm. Yeah. Next…
Oh by the way, well done folk. We’re fifteen songs down. Only twenty-five to go. But remember – it gets better! Here’s a photo of Ryan Kwanten’s arse as a treat for being so patient:
Shine by Natalia Kelly
There’s definitely an ember of charisma somewhere in this song by Natalia, but she’s hardly Natalia Kills. Also, is it just me or does she look like Nathalie Casey? Well, Nathalie Casey playing her character Donna in “Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps”...
Ok you probably don’t who Nathalie Casey is in France. That’s fine. Don’t worry about it. “Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps” was a fun TV sitcom over here, but it’s not exactly Ab Fab.
Something by Someone
Et Uus Saaks Alguse by Birgit Oigemeel
The first two notes sound like East 17’s song Stay. The rest isn’t so good. It’s a shame, the singer is very pretty. I can’t believe she’s called Birgit Oigemeel. This song’s alright I guess.
Love Kills by Roberto Bellarosa
This song clearly thinks quite a lot of itself. Let’s hope Roberto gets his eyebrows done before the big night, they’re sort of reaching across his face to greet each other. This song unfortunately breaks a major gay pop rule of mine – having a song with the same title as a Robyn song. Because you’re never going to beat the Robyn song. Want a song called ‘Love Kills‘ ? Well here it is Roberto:
Imagine Robyn entered Eurovision! The other twenty five finalists would just resign. With the exception of Israel possibly.
Contigo Hasta El Final – ESDM
Well Spain go through to the final no matter what, that’s why they can not only afford to have a song which means “With You Until The End”, but they can have a really bad song called “With You Until The End”. They obviously don’t want to win.
Believe In Me – Bonnie Tyler
Talking of countries who don’t want to win… The gay community here in London are really embarrassed to be entering this song into Eurovision, sorry guys. Yes, it’s Bonnie Tyler and she’s a pop legend. But this song? Really? She better glam it up on the night with glitter canons and naked men. Unlikely though, since she fancies herself as a bit of a Marianne Faithfull. Still, we can hope for some curlers to go in the night before.
Today they released the official BBC really bad remix of this song too.
A poor rip-off of Blondie’s “Maria” and Shakespeare’s Sister’s “Stay”. I hope Debbie, Siobhan and Marcella strike Bonnie off their Christmas card list for this.
Ok we are now entering the better half of the songs! You’re more likely to actually see these entries in the final…
Ljubav Je Svuda by Moje 3
Who doesn’t love a Serbian girl band! This is Moje 3, Serbia’s answer to the Pussycat Dolls. The best bit in the song is where they all look at each other and with no explanation stop singing the lyrics and just go ”Lalalalalalalalala”. What a corker! I hope the girls have fun in Sweden.
L’Enfer Et Moi by Amandine Bourgeois
Oh it’s you guys! And could a song get any more French sounding? I quite like this Amandine lady, I bet she’s a right hoot at weekend with her leg up on the bar in Banana Café. But let’s be honest – this isn’t a Eurovision song. I can just imagine Moje 3 from Serbia throwing her bitchy looks in the Malmo make-up room.
Kedvesem by ByeAlex
This chilled out number is quite catchy after a couple of listens. It’s the sort of thing you could imagine on a Jean-Pierre Jeunet movie soundtrack. Originally this was slightly slower but it over ran by a few seconds so they had to speed it up. What you see above is the sped up version and it’s not as good as the original. On their head be it!
Solayoh by Alyona Lanskaya
Ooh it’s that Alyona again! She’s quite a Eurovision veteran, having been disqualified in the past after a crisis on the domestic front with a bit of Belarus votes fixing. This year she originally entered with a song called “Rhythm of Love” which was great (and ended up in my Gay Times Top 5), however, she has now scrapped that and will be entering with this song “Solayoh” instead. I preferred the song before.
It wouldn’t be a proper Eurovision song contest without at least three acts who think they’re Shakira.
Here was one of my favourite Shakira wannabes, the sexy Hadise from Turkey in 2009 with “Dum Tek Tek”:
Straight Into Love by Hannah
This is actually my favourite song from Eurovision 2013. However, I’ve put it at this place in my chart as I’m thinking realistically – it’s very dancey, there’s a dub-step break, and so it’s risky. It reminds me of some of Britney’s dancier album tracks off Femme Fatale. I’ve got high hopes for Hannah – I hope she makes it through the semi-finals and nails it on the night.
I love the bit in the video where she straightens out her skirt too! I’ve seen some rehearsal plans from a Slovenian website this morning and can confirm that she will be joined on stage by at least three male backing singers – so that’s good. Go Hannah!
Crisalide by Valentina Monetta
Oh my God! Valentina Monetta is back! Do San Marino only have one singer? Valentina entered last year with her amazing song about Facebook:
It seems this year she’s invested in some hair curlers and gone for a ballad. Boooo.
Valentina’s Facebook song is one of my favourite ever Eurovision entries, and not even that made it through to the final. I actually went to see Valentina sing the Facebook song live at a performance in London (don’t tell any of my friends that). San Marino – I love you, but clearly you’re cursed by the cross.
You by Robin Stjernberg
Ok, so I’ve put this song quite high up in my chart because let’s face it – it’s going to do well. It’s really cheesy and sounds like something Coldplay could have released. In other words, utter bollocks but massively accessible and popular.
It’s a shame Robin isn’t a better looking singer. His face is all podgy and shiny like some sort of Disney sea anemone. Also the story of the song irritates me for some reason, it basically says “You helped me get here. You’re not here now. But I’m here, and isn’t that bloody fantastic!” A tiny bit arrogant perhaps?
Samo Shampioni by Elitsa & Stoyan
I know “Samo Shampioni” sounds like something you might avoid on a menu when on holiday, but I have a soft spot for these girls. Their first single “Kismet” looked like something from the entertainment corner of a terrorist organisation’s TV channel. The song was deselected for copyright reasons, which means the writer (stupidly) wouldn’t allow it to be in the contest. You have to watch their first entry though if only for the drummer:
Let’s hope the writers are alive and well.
Hold Me by Farid Mammadov
It’s sexy Farid from Azerbaijan with a power ballad! He’s probably one of the two best looking men in this year’s contest (the other is yet to come). I don’t like songs like this, but I admire Farid and think this song will probably do well. Everyone loves Azerbaijan too, especially the presenters on the night who get to say “Twelve points to AZ ER BAI JAN ! ”
Waterfall by Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani
There’s something compelling about this duet. Of course we have to like Georgia too because they get such a hard time from Russia, and they always use their videos to try and show us how beautiful their country is geologically. And yes, it is. This song sounds very similar to something I’ve heard before, I just can’t place my ear on it just yet.
What If by Dina Garipova
Talking of Russia, here they are with their song “What If”. It’s very boring, but I’ve placed it high up in my chart because it’s a reasonably well-written ballad with a piano score so it’s bound to do well.
I love that Russia have a song called “What If” too. What if Russia started treating gay people like human beings? They certainly produce enough gay porn.
Marry Me by Krista Siegfrids
Love it! It’s Krista, Finland’s answer to Ke$ha and Katy Perry. This song even has its own video and Krista has her own VEVO channel! “Marry Me” is a fun pop song about Krista’s determination to get married – and we sure as hell can relate to that can’t we!
Only Teardrops by Emmelie De Forest
Oop, someone thinks they’re Celine Dion. She’s actually a big singer over in Denmark, Emmelie De Forest that is. Again, not my cup of tea, but I can just smell success on it. She’s very attractive too and manages to look like she’s not wearing any make-up – the Eurovision definition of rebel.
Birds by Anouk
This highly unusual Eurovision entry might be the show stealer on the night. The slightly minor key off-kilter melody is quite effective, I can imagine Europeans going crazy for this song.
Still, it does sound a little bit like the theme tune from the 1990s British sitcom Birds Of A Feather:
Gravity by Zlata Ognevich
When a song sounds like a Disney theme, it’s going to do well at Eurovision, especially if it’s sung by a pixie. This imposibly Disneyfied ballad from Ukraine is destined to do well, especially with its step-up in tempo just before the first minute’s out.
Again though. This song really sounds like something else, I just can’t place it. Please do leave a comment below if you can think of the song that this sounds like, thanks!
Tomorrow by Gianluca Bezzina
Check out this quirky little number from Malta! It gives that Bruno Mars a run for his money. The video is fun, the models are hot, the song is very summery and fresh, has an acoustic guitar riff running through it, and yeah – the crowd will love it. Don’t get me wrong, I would never spend my free time listening to this song, BUT, it will do well at Eurovision.
Glorious by Cascada
Here she is! It’s Cascada representing Germany. I was surprised to discover that Cascada can actually sing. You’re not alllowed to mime in any stages of the Eurovision song contest, which is why so many pop stars are scared to enter. But yeah – Cascada really goes for it, the song’s catchy and most of all – it’s the only song in this year’s contest that actually enjoys itself, presumably because Cascada is more than comfortable already in her status as a global pop act.
This song actually sounds like a single too, which is more than you can say for a lot of Eurovision entries.
L’Essenziale by Marco Mengoni
Marco is this year’s Eurovision hotty. Ok, it’s slim pickings in a tournament that is nearly all girls. Italy have a reputation for doing well at Eurovision in recent years with men sat at pianos. The problem is, they’ve not been that good looking. Marco is here to change that.
He so thinks he’s the Italian Robbie Williams, and there’s something quite sexy about that disillusion. Hashtag: #Sideburns
I Feed You My Love – Margaret Berger
And so we arrive at our most probable winner for Eurovision 2013! Margaret Berger face with her song “I Feed You My Love”.
Norway won not too long ago with Alexander Rybak’s “Fairytale”. So that could effect their chances. Still, this Massive Attack style electro ballad is right up Eurovision’s street, and the competition is even lower than usual this year.
Thanks for reading my Top 40 of Eurovision 2013. I hope I’ve introduced you to some new songs and that you’ve started to formulate your own opinions as to who might do well come May.
Do let me know your favourite entries, either leave a comment below or Tweet me @jackcullenuk
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